Sheldon Esalis

[Sheldon Esalis]

Sheldon Esalis
33 years old :: Galactic Empire :: Imperial Intelligence Agent
Currently on assignment, hopefully on a beach with a no bikini bottoms rule and decent bottle service, because ugh, why bother actually waiting at the cabana bar. I mean, a place like that probably doesn't even have the right kind of gin.

Character Background

• I'm the son of the Director of Imperial Intelligence, R.S. Esalis, the ice queen
• I don't know who my dad is. I'm assuming he's goddamned awesome.
• I attended the Corulag Military Academy as a legacy appointment
• I took a year hiatus from Corulag Military Academy to become a professional gravpaddle player. I also banged a freakin princess. How many princesses have you banged? Oh wait, it was two princesses. Haha.
• I hold a rank of Commander in the Imperial Navy, but haha, like I'm going to wear a non-bespoke uniform. I mean, the lines are classic, but somebody probably cut the naval uniform tailor budget for a super star destroyer.

Raw Material

• Did you know that the dianoga is the deadliest creature in the galactic animal kingdom. I shit you not, the moment you step in tepid water you are done for! It's like, my second biggest fear.
• They told me I couldn't put "specializes in sex" on this form. But I should be able to.
• They also said put "alcoholic" on here. I'm going to amend that to say "high-functioning alcoholic" and honestly, that should be a perk.
• Okay, but really. I *do* specialize in two dozen forms of hand to hand combat. I also have a master competency rating on assorted small arms. I'm also working on Echani sticks, but that's kind of a passing fad.
• I really don't see what's wrong with a prosthetic mustache for a disguise. I mean, take it easy with the spirit gum, but it's an alluring look.
• If you serve me a Bonteri and there is no gin in it, I will kill you. This sounds like hyperbole, but...sadly I'm banned from every bar on Fondor now.

Plot Ideas

• KESSEL RUN!!!! WOO!!! OH MY GOD TWELVE PARSECS THEY SAY IT CAN'T BE DONE!!
• I don't want this to be weird, but if you are a reasonably incredibly attractive woman who gets moist around danger, we should talk about that.
• You know, the Rebels sure steal our plans a lot. Send me somewhere with good weather so I can steal them back.
• Zeltros. I really don't think I have to say anything else.
• I should probably figure out who my dad is. We could go watch a smashball game together.

Existing Relationships

• R.S. Esalis | Mother, Boss, Destroyer of Dreams: And I swear to God I will pistol whip the first person who talks about nepotism.
• Una Rakesh | Partner, Lesbian Grand Master, Nerd: If she'd ever shave her legs, I'd give her a sympathy lay.

Current Plots

• Tentapussy: Una. Una! UNA!!! We're on a boat!
• Old Fashioned Fun (Arcan IV): Holy shit I caught a Wookiee on fire with a bottle of liquor and a trick shot!

Credit for the basic template goes to Dun of RPG-D

[Morgana DeLaTour]

It seems we are getting acquainted. A pleasure, Mr. Esalis.

[Shuvin Undhi]

At some point Sheldon and Onashi need to out-douchebag each other

[Sheldon Esalis]

It seems we are getting acquainted. A pleasure, Mr. Esalis.

Just one pleasure? What, do we only have fifteen minutes?

At some point Sheldon and Onashi need to out-douchebag each other

The last time I dunked on a guy with a ponytail he was lead singing a college rock band.

Oh my god, Hattori Hanzo got a part time job at a head shop. I hope my designer sunglasses don't dent his tie-dyed display piece katanas. Jerry Bear Senpai would never look at you again.

[Morgana DeLaTour]

Just one pleasure? What, do we only have fifteen minutes?

Now you're putting words in my mouth.

A pleasure, not one pleasure... More like the first of many.

[Sheldon Esalis]

Now you're putting words in my mouth.

I'd put much longer words in your mouth if you promised to cup the punctuation marks.

[Morgana DeLaTour]

I'd put much longer words in your mouth if you promised to cup the punctuation marks.

Now this is my kind of language.

[Serasai Onashi]

At some point Sheldon and Onashi need to out-douchebag each other

The last time I dunked on a guy with a ponytail he was lead singing a college rock band.

Oh my god, Hattori Hanzo got a part time job at a head shop. I hope my designer sunglasses don't dent his tie-dyed display piece katanas. Jerry Bear Senpai would never look at you again.

Huh this is cute. Little momma's boy no scars want to play with real men now? Go ahead and get your suit pressed, I've already bathed in the blood of the last couple hundred worms who'd thought they could end me. But I suppose if I had trouble with just one mark at a time I'd be classified a "secret agent" too.

[Sheldon Esalis]

Huh this is cute. Little momma's boy no scars want to play with real men now? Go ahead and get your suit pressed, I've already bathed in the blood of the last couple hundred worms who'd thought they could end me. But I suppose if I had trouble with just one mark at a time I'd be classified a "secret agent" too.

Ease off the jets Kimono Ken Doll, I'm not playing with men. Real men, fake men, or those long body pillows that you people get to...cuddle (shiver)...with a print of a man on it.

I admit, I haven't bathed in blood. This is bay rum foaming bath mix. That may not be intimindating, but I'm pretty sure nobody ever died of the blue shadow virus by bathing in someone else's bay rum. Also, let's be fair, bubbles in the bath help to conceal a compact blaster. Or a jealous husband's wife. Or both. Because, yes, ass, I CAN multitask!

[Serasai Onashi]

Ease off the jets Kimono Ken Doll, I'm not playing with men. Real men, fake men, or those long body pillows that you people get to...cuddle (shiver)...with a print of a man on it.

I admit, I haven't bathed in blood. This is bay rum foaming bath mix. That may not be intimindating, but I'm pretty sure nobody ever died of the blue shadow virus by bathing in someone else's bay rum. Also, let's be fair, bubbles in the bath help to conceal a compact blaster. Or a jealous husband's wife. Or both. Because, yes, ass, I CAN multitask!

Ah, bay rum? Nice. That is good for concealing compact blasters. Unfortunately some of us just aren't issued "compact blasters". Or hot wives, you lucky son of syphilitic bantha. Yes, I'm genuinely jealous. You ever get to actually shag one of your coworkers during a mission? Man, that must be nice.

Wait. You said people can die from bathing in others' blood? Really?



Really? You're not lying? Because I've been doing that for a while and I'm not dead. Nor do I have blue shadow virus. Do I?

*Physician murmuring in background* Ah, right, right.

Nope. Clean! Woo!

[Rod Mustafar]

As an unbiased observer, I like literally everything you've done with this character.

[Una Rakesh]

If I could roll my eyes any harder, they'd be in the Outer Rim right now.

[Sheldon Esalis]

Wow, thanks. You're too kind, person I've never seen before in my life.

[Rod Mustafar]

You're welcome, uncannily suave guy in a perfect suit.

[Ulysses Cygnus, Jr]

As an unbiased observer, I like literally everything you've done with this character.

I don't know who you are, son, but that moustache is a thing of beauty. Well done.

[Ulysses Cygnus, Jr]

...why the blazes am I double posting? Why is this forum doubling my workload?!