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Mu Satach

Alright - a year laterish

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I might read previous entries. Most likely, I will not.

Lemme Esplain... No! There is too much.
Let me sum up.

My boss was fired, I became the boss, I've had a year of OMG! I have 'sponsibilities and a 6 figure budget to manage.

I'm getting the hang of things, so now back to our regularly scheduled program.

I've felt the need to sit, reflect, and slow my brain down enough to come to some conclusions about choices before me and how to better manage myself. Don't want to get to a point of just saying Fck it and walk away and live in a cave only coming out to scrounge for food and meds, but don't want to continue flying the rocket by shifting side to side in hopes of hitting the target.

The best way for me to slow down the thought trains from colliding in the train yard of Nat Central Station is to force myself to sit and write my thoughts down. Brings my focus together like nothing else. With the calm quiet enthusiasm of Winston Smith sitting in Carrington's upper room, tea cup in hand, I sat down and I cracked open my favorite journal app. Only to find the developers f'ed it up.

So, I turn here good friends. The need to write is greater than the need to figure out what I am going to do regarding my 3 years worth of journal entries in the "classic" version of the app, whether to upgrade, pay the fee, or just move on is a decision for another day.

There are many things I want to say, many decisions I want make, and from my morning reflection I have discovered I have lost the ability to focus on my chosen task. The past 5-7 years of slow discovery of my inner nemesis, the battle to regain control (Yoda was a constant in my inner ear, "Control, you must learn control." during that time.) and now the resolution, acceptance, that my personal Vader was once a Knight of the Republic of Nat, an ally, a gift, a friend, but now is corrupted and the memory of what was, is gone. Despite the joy, there is too much anger and hatred, the tru-self has been contained and now we stand together in an uneasy medicated truce. Forcing ourselves to review the war footage and all it's carnage when the memories of better days make us hopeful that the war wasn't really all that bad.

And here dear reader you will have thought I have lost my mind with my musings. One way I was able to cope with everything was to personify my illness, and it took the form of Vader. I went through my own mini empire strikes back saga in my mind. It made me feel that even though there was this dark force within me that was and is trying to take everything including my life away from me, if I could learn control, if I could face my terror in the cave, I could battle the darkness. Finally, as the inevitability of everything took root, I reached a place where I am Luke in the elevator with Vader. And though I am bound, and captive, I am at peace with what is and what will ultimately be. My Vader is with me, always.

So, as I finish my cup of tea, I have a new foe in the Republic of Nat that I wish to vanquish. This foe, is beatable, unlike Vader it is something that needs to be disposed of but is powerful. It is my inner Jabba. I am fat. I am fucking fat. I don't need a piano sized casket, but my fat % is floating around 54%. I am more fat than not fat.

When looking at myself in the mirror, doing all the little things that you are suppose to do, all I want to do is curl up in a bed and avoid the world. There is absolutely nothing that inspires me to go to the gym. And not even the plain old just "get your ass to the gym" and "don't eat that!" work anymore. There is no reason to walk, there is no reason to run, there is no reason to eat better, there is no reason to try. Because there is this big fat slug in the mirror that beats me down every time and wins.

And then it hits.

Leia killed a big fat slug.

Jabba is my inner slug.

Sparks begin to light up in my brain. Now this, this I can work with. Leia is awesome. Leia bound in chains to a behemoth slug killed that slug and then blew that m'fers sail barge up. And that, that is what I cracked open my digital journal for today. But now it's here instead of there.

In conclusion, a new quest! a new game! well, a new point of view of an old game I keep losing because I fail to do what's needed to be done consistently.

PS - Carrie Fisher is one of the baddest bad asses out there. Carrie is just flat out amazing. Isn't she? Oh, and if my Winston reference didn't hit, I'm also reading 1984 right now to *cheer* myself up about our upcoming 2016 elections.

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  1. Loklorien s'Ilancy's Avatar
    I miss reading your entries. So glad you've picked your pen back up <3 <3
  2. Mu Satach's Avatar
    Awww thank you for the fuzzy.