The Talented Mr. Romanoch

[Kallum Romanoch]

Dear Kallum,

I'm writing to inform you that I have secured a deal with Corellia Today, they wish to visit and do a piece on Little Cubs, a week today to be exact. You have seven days to ensure it is the happiest and healthiest orphanage on the planet. I know you won't let me down.

Kindest regards, Taataani.

ONE WEEK LATER

Kallum woke to the sound of a commbox buzzing at his bedside. He rubbed at his eyes, rising mournfully after a long night of broken sleep and poked the comm, bringing it to life. The image of a plump Twi'lekk woman with mustard-coloured skin sprung forth prompting a bewildered grunt, he fumbled for his chrono then looked up in shock.

"Mrs. Wokburst? Shouldn' yeh be downstairs already?"

"Vrokberest!" she barked, thick arms folding, "How long has it been and still you do not know my name! And yet after one night Mr. Greebins, the lovely manager of Zu-Zu Vazoo, not only remembers my name but thinks my Falumpaset Surprise is one of the finest dishes he's ever tasted!"

"Zu- Zu-Zu Vazoo? The restraunt in Bela Vistal?" he asked, now sitting upright to offset a familiar sinking feeling in his stomach.

"That is right, Mister Val. I have found a place where my extensive culinary skill is truly appreciated," she said coolly, and draping a lekku across her bossom she started to stroke it like a cat, "You can consider this my formal resignation."

"Wha'!?" Kallum yelped, staring hard at the bulbous woman hovering before him. It wasn't the first time Mrs. Vrokberest had threatened to resign over salary issues and working conditions but Kallum always looked for a tell - she blinked when she was bluffing - this time, however, her luminous yellow eyes were hidden behind a large pair of sunglasses. He decided to play her game.

"Oh, come now Seezilynn, please reconsider. Yeh're cherished fer yeh wonderful work 'ere, by meself an' de children. Please, think o' de children. Dis is such a big day fer 'em an' an opportunity fer you teh take centre stage as de peerless chef wi' a 'eart o' gold. Jus' think, in a few hours there'll be a news crew in dis very buildin', an' together, it's our time teh shine. Help us, Mrs. Wokburst, yer our only 'ope!"

The commlink terminated and the bedroom was left in the gloomy colours of a Corellian dawn. Kallum rose to his full height, his shoulders rolled and chest swelled and his eyes fixed murderously on the silent little commbox.

"Frack you, Mrs. Wokburst!!"

[Kallum Romanoch]

Dressed quickly, Kallum decided to forego his usual lethargic morning routine, and was out the door grateful for some salvaged time. A broad flight of carpeted stairs led him down to the second floor, it was eerily still and a picture of serenity, pale light plunged through long windows and the walls sparkled sweet shades of pink and blue like sunset on a summer's day. It was, however, no time to enjoy the calm before the storm so he dived into the nearest room, rattling the door on his hinges.

"Mornin' sprogs! Time teh ge' outta yer pits! Wakey-wakey!" he cried, his hands making thunderclaps between tearing open sets of spacemen curtains. Shapes under all four beds were stirring so he moved onto the next room, making the same ungodly din.

"Rise an' shine, girlies! Quick now! Las' one outta bed gets me pigtails..."

On cue, a chorus of screams sounded from the bedroom as he left and the floor trembled with the sudden pitter-patter of many little feet, and onto the third room he burst in bellowing like a siren.

"Woooeeeooo! Woooeeeooo! Dis is no' a drill, fellas. Yeh know deh score, up, or it's 'Oh noes, 'e gets de hose!'" he sang effeminately, kicking one of the larger lumps so it rolled out of bed with a loud crash. That woke them up.

In the fourth and last of the bedrooms, all four occupants were already in some stage of wakefulness so there was no need for theatrics. It was another girl's room, and the eldest, a twelve-year old with auburn hair was sat upright and watched him, arms folded, as he peeled open their curtains to let in the day.

"I take it that was Pluto we just heard. That is the fourth time this week, you realise. He bruised so badly from yesterday's fall his butt looks like a giant blueberry!"

The youngest of the girls, a little zabrack called Mimi, squealed with delight and hopped from her bed, clinging to Kallum's leg. He carried her weight around the room as he shuffled from window to window, and through a fit of giggles, she chanted:

"Blueberry butt! Blueberry butt! Mister Tatvan has a big blueberry butt!"

[Kallum Romanoch]

The second floor now alive with a familiar exuberant buzz; girls debating dresses and combing each others hair while boys raced for the sonic showers and wrestled over toys. It wasn't quite as regimented as a school morning and Kallum allowed them that small luxury to compensate for the demanding day ahead of them. On top of that it granted him extra time to tackle the breakfast problem, heartache abound in the absence of their resident cook, Mrs. Wokburst.

Not yet disturbed by the daily ruckus, the ground floor lay in waiting, deathly still. The matron demanded a large open space for the living and dining areas, both at opposite ends of the building, to encourage a warm welcoming family environment. In pursuing that vision, Taataani also insisted on soft colours, round tables, swollen sofas, and plush rugs. The wall separating the kitchen to the rear of the building was unique in that not only was it made of transparisteel to maintain the expansive aesthetic but it was also decorated with freshly-painted pictures of the children's favourite things: a vibrant collage of smiling suns, candy rainbows, dancing farm animals, swooping superheroes, soaring spaceships, towering mountains and winding streams, all gathered around one all-important focal point - a family and a home. The sight beyond, however, wasn't so picturesque.

In the kitchen stood an entire mountain range of unwashed plates, pots, and pans, all soiled with grease and crusted sauce, bowls laced with dry namana custard and pieces of cutlery thick with yesterday's dinner. Kallum winced, it was worse than he remembered. Courage failing him, he retreated to a door hidden behind the staircase and after inserting his keycard it unlocked and swung open. Rickety stairs fell away into a gloomy basement, he followed them on cautious feet, cursing every tell-tale creak and groan until he reached the bottom.

Little Cubs, the Meorrrei Home for Orphaned Children, rose from the ashes of a derelict theatre destined for condemnation. And while the site had been renovated, evidence of its former life wasn't completely lost. The basement was a mausoleum dedicated to the theatre's memory, an alien underworld of dusty boxes and broken music stands set against a toppled backdrop of faded scenery - a castle wall, a balcony, and moat - and its bleak landscape populated by a host of naked mannequins, posing at suggestive angles, vacant faces betraying every inch of their sorry half-lives. The dank air swam with the scent of old clothes and rotten wood. Beyond was an ancient closet, riddled with scratches and burns, stood flush against the wall and crowned with a large rubber gungan head which had long since lost an eye and half its stupid drooping tongue. The closet doors gave a soft yawn, greeting Kallum with a blast of cold air, and between a row of neatly-wrapped costumes he disappeared.

[Taataani Meorrrei]

BING!

Taurrifar pressed the door chime to the Little Cubs orphanage, waiting under the spacious awning with his mistress. Neatly attired in a cream-colored seersucker suit, he stood at somewhat of a complement to Taataani's pastel yellow sun dress, matching shoes, and flop-brimmed hat. The matron stood waiting idly by, cooling herself with a folding fan in the growing morning heat, as she rolled her eyes behind large sunglasses at Kallum's predicted tardiness.

"Rrjing jit agajin."

BING!

Nothing.

Taataani disdained waiting, and it showed in the occasional twitch in her tail. Snapping her fingers, she extended a hand which was soon filled by a slender stim, supplied by Taurrifar from a case he kept on hand. She pressed it to pursed lips, and he, ever considerate, lit it for her.

"No doubt bussjyjing hjimsself afterr the ljittle oness."

She shrugged, exhaling a breath of purple smoke from her nose.

"jI gjive hjim two mjinutess, then jI'll be upsset."

The bustle of speeder traffic behind her caused her to glance back, and then down at her feet with some disdain.

"Damn sshoess. Torrturre devjicess, jI ssajy. When jI'm done herre, jI want jyou to rreturrn them. Full djisscount."

With infinite patience for slapdash requests, Taurrifar nodded.

"Of courrsse, Taataani."

She gave a sweet smile behind her stim.

"jYou'rre a peach."

[Kallum Romanoch]

Plastic hissed and crackled as Kallum passed through the closet and parting the contents of the clothes rack he stepped out onto the other side. He found himself in the corner of a small dreary cellar. A damp crypt of red brick walls tainted emerald by a growth of moss, it extented to the roof which was barely tall enough to accomodate Kallum's unspectacular height, and crept down the wooden support columns in thick beards. On one side of the room there was a long bench which boasted an impressive collection of items - a row of wooden racks filled with test tubes, metal stands with protruding arms and clamping rings linking a vast network of flasks, beakers, funnels, glass pipes and rubber tubing, and alongside there were unlit burners, scattered spatulas, blackened tongs and large powder-filled jars. On the other side of the room a small telescreen emitted a grey glow, its light chasing shadows to the edges of the room where a couple of occupied matresses laid.

"Decca!" he whispered into the gloom, "Nubb! Wake up!"

He strode across the room, knocking over an empty soda can, and one of the beds moved. In a heartbeat, Kallum found himself staring down the barrel of a blaster pistol, held firmly in place by a pasty-faced man with a scruffy beard and wild red hair. Kallum sneered.

"It's me, cock 'ead!"

Turning from the pistol, he assessed the bulk on the other bed, it being decidedly larger and rounder than the former. It rocked heavily after a good nudge from his boot then moved no more, Kallum tried again and for his efforts recieved a soft groan, then silence. Frustrated, he wheeled on the red-haired man, who was now unarmed, upright and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Wha's deh matter wi' 'im?"

"You got no chance, mate," he managed to answer through a yawn, "On the big stuff, 'e was, at it all night. I reckon we won't see no sign of life from 'im til... just a tick... what time do you call this?"

"Ge' up, Decca, I need a favour. Deh cook's gone fer a burton. Sort us suttin' out fer brecky, will yeh?"

"Again?" he blurted, scrambling to his feet. Kallum retreated a step and took a long look at him. Decca was a tall gangling man of thirty with pale skin and an abundance of flaming body hair. He was wearing blue jumpsuit bottoms held in place by a pair of braces and an old oil-stained undershirt. Kallum shook his head.

"Yeh can' wear da' in deh kitchen."

Far away, the doorbell rang and he visibly flinched. Eyes bulged in dawning realisation and he started unbuttoning his flowery summer shirt. He barked at Decca, a frantic edge to his voice.

"Ge' outta da' scruffy shit, lad! Quick! Den ge' yerself cleaned up an' fryin' eggs!"

In moments he was out of his shirt, his cream slacks and sandals, and was instead dressed in Decca's old loose-fitting attire. The doorbell rang again. He charged through the basement, scattering a pile of sheet music, and bounded up the stairs to the ground floor. The morning sun framed a couple of familiar silhouettes in the doorway, he cursed his luck as he crossed the foyer, then slipping on a winning smile and a cheerful disposition he threw open the door.

"Madam Meorrrei, so pleased teh see yeh! Please, come in!"

[Taataani Meorrrei]

"Kallum, jyou look ljike a djisscount mechanjic. Djidn't jI bujy jyou ssome decent clothess?"

Already starting before she was through the door, Taataani extinguished her stim on the ground before stepping in. After all, smoke was bad for the little ones! She stepped through the threshold, removing her flop-brimmed hat and sunglasses, and holding each to the side, where they were dutifully collected by Taurrifarr and put away. With a grunt, she kicked off her uncomfortable shoes, preferring to walk on her bare feet.

"Taurrifarr, mjy sshoess too."

"jYess mjisstrresss."

She padded over to Kallum, careful not to touch his dingy duds.

"jYou'rre gojing to change beforre the medjia jiss herre, jyess?"

[Kallum Romanoch]

"So quick teh judge, mam!"

Kallum held his hands up to add to his display of false disbelief - he'd fully expected the matron to begin picking the flesh from him the moment she was through the door. He rummaged around in one of his deep pockets and pulled out a pair of plyers, giving them a shake.

"While yeh were gettin' pampered an' dressed dis mornin' I've been up teh a birra las' minute maintenance. Now..."

He swung an arm out towards the living area and its assortment of bright circular sofas, inviting the matron to take a seat.

"If yeh would like teh rest dose dainty little paws o' yours, I will go 'n' make meself 'andsome fer yeh 'n' deh kids will be down shortly."

He turned to excuse himself but instead came full circle with a snap of his fingers:

"Unless me lady fancies a nice beveragé?"

[Taataani Meorrrei]

Taataani let a smile slip in spite of herself.

"jYess, that would be loveljy. Tea then?"

Easing onto one of the over-plush couches, Taa's smile grew as her bare feet nestled into the plush carpeting, the claws on her toes extending as she kneaded at the shag a bit. Nothing like a decent carpet job.

"And how arre ourr ljittle oness? Besst behavjiorr?"

[Kallum Romanoch]

"Hm. Iced tea," he decided, after considering Taataani for a second.

"Deh kids are tip-top. Yeh go' me a baske' o' good eggs, mam."

His voice faded as he entered the kitchen and went about preparing Taataani's tea. Siezing the opportunity, he deposited the first batch of filthy dishes and pans into the cleaner - which was a mercifully large model, meaning the job would be done in two or three washes - it came to life with a low hum. He heard the door open and started, expecting to find himself under Taurrifar's watchful eye. Instead there stood Decca, hair washed and combed, beard trimmed.

"Dat's berrer," Kallum nodded, and swept past with a tall glass of iced tea, "Yeh know where every'n' is... keep i' simple bu' nice."

Behind him he heard Decca groan, presumably at the sight of unwashed kitchenware, but moved boldly onwards. When he handed Taataani her drink he looked rather pleased with himself.

"I reckon yeh'll like da'! It's gorra slice o' lemon an' every'n'."

[Taataani Meorrrei]

Taataani tried to hide her impressed expression, but when he lips touched the glass and tipped back the cool tea - and mind you, a proper iced tea was something easily appreciated and somewhat tough to replicate - the smile formed on the rim of the glass.

A proper Cizeri iced tea. Yes, she knew she ordered the kitchen stocks (or better yet, had Taurrifarr do it), and thus had an overall creative control over the premises, but it had the transformative ability to take her back to so many sun-drenched mornings on her veranda in Hai'rathee district.

Careful not to quaff the entire glass, she eased to a coaster and pursed her lips a bit to get at that last drop that clung to them.

"jI haven't had tea that njice ssjince motherr made jit. That'ss a gjift."

Waving him on, Taataani gestured for him to go get a wash and a change of clothes.

"Go on now, jI want to ssee jyou look jyourr besst."

Her eyes tracked up to movement at the stairs, noticing a half dozen faces pressed against the bannister of the stairs to watch in hopeful anticipation of the houseguest. Taataani gave the children a wave.

"Now, who wantss candjy?"

That triggered an avalanche of little padding feet, thundering down the stairs as fast as they could safely (or otherwise) go.

[Kallum Romanoch]

"Da' is fer after yer breakfast!" Kallum called from upstairs.

When he returned he appeared to have kept the old colour scheme and tidied it up with a pair of navy blue trousers, a breezy white short-sleeved shirt, unbuttoned at the neck, and a pair of white plimsolls. It was a style sported by a couple of Taataani's well-to-do seafaring associates, except he made it look good. He smiled to find the matron surrounded by a semi-circle of children, gathered on the couches and rugs, enraptured by her every word.

"Why don' yeh tell 'em abarr da' time yeh were almos' kidnapped by pirates?"

[Taataani Meorrrei]

She looked up at Kallum with a sweet smile, as one of the little girls struggled to climb the couch, and was rewarded by being placed in the matron's lap. A dozen pairs of little eyes fixed on her, hanging on her every word as she spun an appropriately tall tale.

"Would jyou beljieve that? A pjirrate? Comjing to kjidnap me? jYou thjink thejy could?"

A chorus of "NOOOOO!!!" shouted back at her, the kids grinning ear to ear at the story.

She waggled a finger at them.

"jI told 'em all to get off mjy sshjip orr jI'd ssock 'em one. Nobodjy ljikess a djirrtjy old pjirrate. jYou know whjy?"

Hands shot up everywhere.

"Grregorr!"

A ruddy-faced boy with curly hair rocked back and forth on his knees as he spoke.

"Because pirates steal...and they hurt people...and do bad stuff!"

"Rrjight. And what do we know about sstealjing bojyss and gjirrlss?"

Again the chorus

"IT'S WROOOOOONG!!!"

Thrilled, Taataani clapped to her captive audience, easing Gregor up to the spare room on her lap to sit with the other girl, and she squeezed them both in a hug.

[Kallum Romanoch]

Kallum stood with his arms folded, rocking merrily on his feet, amused by the spectacle. Taataani's mothering instinct was strong and it was interesting to observe her in this environment, comfortable with an army of hyperactive children when she was regularly at ease in a room full of greedy corporate sharks. He was thankful for her presence, normally the children were irritable and restless when breakfast was late, but the matron provided a welcome distraction. Then he noticed a hint of movement out of the corner of his eye.

"Shaw?"

A small boy with dark unkempt hair appeared from behind the staircase and pressed himself against the transparisteel wall, peeking into the kitchen. He wore a long baggy shirt, heavily-frayed jeans, and a pair of muddy sneakers. Kallum strode over and caught him by the scruff of his neck before he could make a break. He writhed and thrashed, muttering empty threats as he was turned on the spot and led towards the group.

"What's he doin' 'ere?" he barked, "I ain't 'avin his stinkin' slop again! Gerroff me!"

"Jus' si' down, an no' anudder word, Shaw."

Finally, Kallum released him with and placed a sharp kick to his bottom to send him on his way. He skulked to the couch furthest from Taataani and wrestled his way between two smaller boys, adjusting his widly stretched shirt in the process. The disturbance drew little attention from the rest of the children.

Hareem, the eldest of the girls arrived at the foot of the stairs, carrying Mimi and stood patiently while the matron finished her story. By which time, there was a smell of fried eggs coming from the kitchen.

"Right!" boomed Kallum, "'oo wants some brecky?"

[Taataani Meorrrei]

Taa finished her story, watching Shaw sulk up to the couch with a frumpy-looking shirt, and not looking a bit happy about it. She didn't let that deter her expression, and as Kallum sounded the breakfast call, she hopped up and happily helped herd the children toward the dining tables. She held back a bit, putting a hand on Shaw's shoulder.

"Come on now, Sshaw, don't forrget to put jyourr sshoess jin the cubbjy holess. We don't want to carrjy mud jinssjide."

The damage was done, more or less, but there wasn't any sense berating the kid over it. She expected Kallum would have that attended to in due time. Shaw, for his part, reluctantly trodded off, soiled shoes in hand. She watched him deposit his duds, and then head back to join the other children, already forming a buzzing mass of little shrieking conversations at the table as they waited for their grub. The Meorrrei matriarch suddenly remembered that a certain someone was loitering like a bump on a log.

"Taurrifarr, be a peach and help Val wjith the kjitchen dutjiess."

Reverting back to Kallum's alias with others around, she gestured toward the kitchen. Taurrifarr, bewildered, had about as much idea about a forrda kitchen as he did an astronavigation laboratory. Cocking his ears at funny angles, he peered inside to shrug at the human.

[Kallum Romanoch]

"Come in, Taurrifar, don't be shy!"

Kallum bounded up to Taataani's hulking manservant and reached up to place a hand on his shoulder, leading him inside. He directed him across to where Decca was dishing up the breakfast, four plates to a tray, and moving in close Kallum gave the food a thorough inspection. The look of concern he'd hidden from Taurrifar evaporated and was replaced by broad grin.

"Yeh've outdone yerself dis time, Dec," he said, and planted a kiss on his cheek, "Thank yeh, darlin'!"

Whipping away before Decca could retaliate, he scooped up one of the trays and followed Taurrifar outside. The children squirmed in their seats, and craned their necks to get a good look at what was coming to them, meanwhile Kallum started to serve at the opposite end of the room to Taurrifar, closest to Taataani.

"Now lemme see... dere's baba ham, thick slices o' buttered toast, an' look a' deese gucked eggs... but..." he crouched down next to Mimi and pointed at the contents of her plate, then said in curious undertone, "Mimi... what's da'?"

"Bouncin' beans!" she declared triumphantly.

"Bouncin' beans?" Kallum repeated, standing suddenly upright with a face full of fear, "Oh, no! Not bouncin' beans! Mama Taa, d'yeh know wha' dis means? Tell Mama Taa wha' bouncin' beans means..."

There was a sudden chorus of raspberries being blown and the children fell into a fit of giggles. Kallum lowered himself to the matron's ear, draping an arm around her chair and he lowered his voice, a ghost of a smirk flickering on his face.

"So procede a' yer own peril, mam, an' tell me: will deh lady be dinin' wi' or wirrout 'er clothes?"

[Taataani Meorrrei]

Taataani cast a sidelong glance to Kallum, unable to prevent her amused smile from betraying her.

"Tea and clothess arre fjine forr brreakfasst, dearr Kallum."

Her tail, with the accuracy of a guided proton torpedo, slunk against the inside of Kallum's left leg and travelled up.

Her smile transformed into narrowed eyes and a smirk, she again kneaded the carpet with her bare toes.

"jI'm not rruljing out dessserrt, tjime perrmjittjing."

She whispered, giving him a gentle push away as her tail released and slapped his bottom. Becoming mama again, Taataani looked aghast at the children blowing raspberries at the table.

"Well, jyou'll kjindljy keep ssuch bouncjing wherre jit'ss apprroprrjiate."

[Kallum Romanoch]

A startled, unflattering kind of yelp escaped Kallum as he bolted upright from beside Taataani and after shrugging it off with a clearing of the throat, he promptly returned to the kitchen. He found Decca whistling to himself while scrubbing the contents of a soapy sink. He wore a pair of pink rubber gloves.

"Oi Dec, a word teh deh wise, if yeh ever find yerself in deh company o' a Cizerack girl watch ou' fer deh tail... things go' a mind o' its own!"

"Just a minute... do you mean... is she... the slippers!?"

Kallum was sounded out of the kitchen by Decca's raucous laughter, the last of the trays in hand. He sat with Taataani, and started tearing ravenously through his meal, raising a watchful eye from time to time to make sure no-one was about to start throwing food.

"So mam, yer deh bin-nis woman, wha's deh plan o' action fer today?"

[Taataani Meorrrei]

Calmly sipping her tea, the eye of a hurricane of rambunctiously-slopping kids, Taataani leaned back in her seat a bit and addressed Kallum's request for an itinerary.

"Not much to do, jit sseemss. A bjit of the whjite glove tesst, make ssurre everrjythjing jiss jin good orrderr beforre the medjia get herre. Chjildrren well-fed, clean, and on behavjiorr. Asss long asss we don't burrn the bujildjing down jin the prrocesss, todajy'ss jusst a vjictorrjy lap."

She sucked on an ice cube in the midst of a smile, then crunched it.

"jYou and jI get everrjyone to eat out of ourr handss, and have tjime of jit. Do jyou ljike to wjin? jI do."

[Kallum Romanoch]

"Yeh sound confiden'."

When it came to Taataani it was stating the obvious and Kallum knew that. Head down, he appeared to be engrossed in loading a piece of toast with as much egg, beans and baba ham as possible. He was of course procrastinating while he chewed over his next choice of words; in preparing for the big day he hadn't quite considered the implications it held for him, or his future. He glanced up at last, wearing a rather mirthless smile.

"Don' reckon' yeh've given much thought teh wha' happens teh me once deh cameras come ou' an' dis report starts circulatin'."

[Taataani Meorrrei]

She looked at him with a somewhat-incredulous expression.

"That ssoundss ljike the begjinnjing of a ssad sstorrjy, the wajy jyou sspjin jit."

Shaking her head, she leaned forward at the table a bit, resting a forearm against it as she gestured with her glass of tea slightly.

"What happenss jiss that jyou worrk jyourr wajy to fjinancjial jindependence. jYou gajin mjy rresspect and grratjitude, whjch, mjind jyou, arre valuable commodjitjiess. Furrtherr, jyou get mjy name on jyourr rressume. That wjill open morre doorrss forr jyou than jyou can count."

Somehow, Taataani had an inkling that for some reason, Kallum was referring to something else. She just couldn't quite put a claw on it.